Finding Commonalities and Solutions With Decision-Makers
Preparing for Conversation
Being confident and open in conversation takes agility, and that comes with experience and practice. This section focuses on understanding the needs and values that can come up during policy conversations; and prepares you to track what’s happening with yourself while also identifying the other person’s feelings, needs and values.
Choosing the Messenger
As discussed on the page, Choosing the Messenger and Strategy, who you decide is the best person for a conversation is an important step that is as much about strategy as it is about taking care of yourself and your fellow advocates. Prepare carefully with your team or coalition to ensure that you are sending the best person or team into each meeting with a decision-maker.
Use the power mapping tools shared there to help you critically reflect and make an informed choice on who to send. Should you go, can someone else make the connection with less cost to their wellbeing, or is there another person who can more easily build alliances in a particular situation? Try to choose someone who isn’t in a group that’s been targeted (indirectly or overtly) in association with the person or issue at hand.
Role Play Exercises
Replacing polarizing language with underlying needs and values.
Preparing for conversations, alone and with a partner, is an essential practice for building constructive engagement. It allows you to identify and address your own needs and feelings so that they inform — rather than hinder — your awareness (Step 1 below), and anticipate the decision-maker’s needs and feelings ahead of time (Step 2) so that when you get into the room together you’ll be fully prepared to bridge potential differences. Practicing being on both sides of the conversation prepares you to build bridges based on common ground, and convert polarizing moments into opportunities to establish trust and understanding (Step 3).
This role play is about finding feelings, needs and values that we all share, and creating a safer, more open, inviting and collaborative way to exchange ideas and work together. The exercises below will give you examples of how to do this; it’s important to go in order from Step 1 through Step 3.
Step 1: Self-practice: How do you feel?
Step 2: Practice with another: How might the decision-maker feel?
Step 3: Role-play together: Trying it yourself
Step 1: Self-Practice: How Do You Feel?
What you’ll need: Paper and something to write with.
Read the sample quotes below to yourself and notice how you feel physically in your body and what feelings it brings up for you emotionally.
Refer to the feeling, need and value world lists and make notes of any feelings, needs, or values that arise when you imagine hearing someone say this to you.
We want to acknowledge that this practice will bring up different internal reactions for different people. The intent is to identify and understand whatever may come up so you’ll be fully prepared and won’t be easily thrown-off in the real life conversation.
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Click here to download a PDF version.
Church & Country
“Life is not fair. Life is hard. I’m bound by my faith in my obligations to my fellow man, but I don’t want the government dictating a redistribution of resources. That’s the basis of Marxism. That does not work.” — State representative, male, 48, urban/suburban
Economic Influenced
“I would support spending money to get more enriching resources into the home. Children are reading so far below grade level and many new parents are not good readers. The people who need the help are the parents with high school educations who were promoted through the system and now have minimal job skills, not the upper-income, educated parents.” — President, state GOP organization, female, 60s
Legacy Republican
“There is a huge difference between a handout and a helping hand. We want the best for everyone, but that doesn’t come with just a handout. We don’t want to create a cycle of dependency. We want to provide opportunity and access — not just hand things over. We want to create the hope that they can achieve the American dream.” — State GOP activist, male, 42
Populist-Aligned
“I struggle with the solutions. I’m not for more government spending, but you can’t expect people to work if they can’t get care for their kids and we have a labor shortage. So, I would say that you need to tie this issue to the labor shortage. The thing that really bothers me is Democrats around here talk about moms taking kids to a child care center. These don’t exist in rural places. They do not exist. It’s a false narrative. There is so much regulation that you can’t start a new one. We need to find a more individual-based solution.” — Executive director, conservative think tank, female, mid-30s, rural
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Click here to download a PDF version.
Church & Country
“I think that in general the government closest to the people should be the ones deciding. Sometimes they need a push from the state level. But that should be the exception. Our experience is that there have been liberal communities that tend to do things that a super-majority conservative legislature preempts. Religious freedom, gun control. COVID broke a lot of trust with giving local communities a lot of autonomy. Constituents were screaming, ‘Please help us. They are making me wear a mask and get a vaccine.’” — State representative, male, 55, rural
Economic Influenced
"(Local control) depends on the issue. And levels of expertise. I wouldn’t want my local government, even if it’s a big city, making decisions on what drugs are appropriate for me to take. I want the (State) Dept. of Health doing that. On the other hand, I want them to make decisions on what water line goes where, sewer lines, doing traffic studies. Things like that." — State senator, male, 61, rural/suburban
Legacy Republican
"Local control is good but sometimes the locals supersede the state. I’m a huge local control person — but I have to answer to my friends and neighbors back home. It’s when things are done that energize the base — when the city makes decisions that [go] against constituents’ voices. Guess whose phone rings?" — State representative, male, 54, rural/suburban
Populist-Aligned
“Generally, I do like local control when it is something that people can vote on — the city council is up for election every two years. But when it comes into conflict with State law, I have an issue. If it’s new or an expansion of a service that they want to test out with their local dollars, sure, have at it.” — State representative, male, 25, rural
Step 2: Practice With Another: How Might the Decision-Maker Feel?
Ideally, do this with a fellow advocate, so that you can experience being in each role. If you get stuck while playing the decision-maker, switch roles (being yourself as the advocate) until you can get in touch with what you need to regain your composure. Then switch back to the decision-maker role, focusing on what that experience might be for the person in that position.
What you’ll need: Someone to practice with, paper and something to write with. If accessible, print out the corresponding quotes from Step 1.
Take turns with another advocate reading the same quotes in Step 1 out loud. Listen, but instead of focusing on your reactions, see if you can feel and imagine what the person saying this would be feeling in their body and what their emotions would be.
Underline language that hints at their values, needs and feelings. These are places where you might be able to build a bridge. Note what you think they are feeling and needing, and what they care about or value. Be careful not to slip into experiencing your personal reaction; stay with imagining being the person who’d say this.
Focusing on the bridge-building language, write down a nonpolarizing reply based on needs and values, avoiding charged or polarizing phrases (see the sample translations after the quotes page for help). You may not agree, and don’t have to pretend you do, but you can show that you are seeking understanding and connection.
Edit your reply until you end up with something that’s in alignment with the original quote. You’ll know you’ve gotten to the core needs and values when the role play doesn’t hold a charge for you any longer. It is now depolarized because the blaming and labeling aspects of it have been distilled down to expressions of needs and values that express our common humanity.
Practice focusing the conversation on areas where you can agree. Don’t get distracted by polarizing language. Build wins into your conversation by showing them what you’re for, while respecting their no-go zones. They want you to know what’s realistic to ask for. Focus on gaining trust based on shared needs or values, before making strategic suggestions or requests.
Keep in mind that there are any number of ways to translate these quotes. Review the below translations as possible interpretations to consider. These are meant as reference only. Part of developing your nonpolarizing communication skills is learning to rely on your research and intuition (including feelings) in order to find the best way “in.”
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Nonpolarizing Approach:
How to quickly focus on what’s productive or a possible win or bridge, and tune out what is counter productive, extraneous or polarizing: reduce what you hear into feelings, needs and values.
Stay away from the polarizing sentences in italics.
Emphasize the bridge-building sentences that are underlined.
Church & Country
“Life is not fair. Life is hard. I’m bound by my faith in my obligations to my fellow man, but I don’t want the government dictating a redistribution of resources. That’s the basis of Marxism. That does not work.” — State representative, male, 48, urban/suburban
Needs and Values:
Bound by my faith (loyalty): value
Faith: value
Obligation (responsibility): value
Obligated to help (service, compassion): value
Right thing to do (responsibility, accountability): value
Freedom: need, value
Possible Bridge-Building Reply:
“You’re a man of faith and you believe that offering support to people in need is the responsible thing to do. But not by taking away anyone’s freedom. I’m with you, I also value freedom and feel obligated to help. I’d love to work with you on ‘xyz bill’ where I think our values strongly align.”
Economic Influenced
“I would support spending money to get more enriching resources into the home. Children are reading so far below grade level and many new parents are not good readers. The people who need the help are the parents with high school educations who were promoted through the system and now have minimal job skills, not the upper-income, educated parents.” — President, state GOP organization, female, 60s
Needs and Values:
Support: value
More enriching resources (access, equality): value
Help (care, contribution, equality, opportunity): value
Possible Bridge-Building Reply:
“You understand that some parents haven’t had certain opportunities and that some children are lagging behind. You care about supporting children with reading skills and providing money to help families in need have access to more enriching resources.”
Legacy Republican“There is a huge difference between a handout and a helping hand. We want the best for everyone, but that doesn’t come with just a handout. We don’t want to create a cycle of dependency. We want to provide opportunity and access — not just hand things over. We want to create the hope that they can achieve the American dream.” — State GOP activist, male, 42
Needs and Values:
Best for everyone (equality, generosity, fairness): value
Don’t want cycle of dependency (independence, autonomy): need, value
Opportunity, access: value
Hope: value
Contribution: value
Achieve (succeed): value
Autonomy (achieving your own success): value
Possible Bridge-Building Reply:
“You want to provide opportunity, access and hope to people who need a helping hand. And I hear you, caring for others doesn’t mean doing their hard work for them. You want people to achieve their own success and contribute to society.”
Populist-Aligned“I struggle with the solutions. I’m not for more government spending, but you can’t expect people to work if they can’t get care for their kids and we have a labor shortage. So, I would say that you need to tie this issue to the labor shortage. The thing that really bothers me is Democrats around here talk about moms taking kids to a child care center. These don’t exist in rural places. They do not exist. It’s a false narrative. There is so much regulation that you can’t start a new one. We need to find a more individual-based solution.” — Executive director, conservative think tank, female, mid-30s, rural
Needs and Values:
Solutions (ways to care for others needs, accountability): value
Care (compassion, service): value
Individual based solutions (accountability, relationship, community): value
We need to find (collaboration, exploration, creativity): value
Possible Bridge-Building Reply:
“You’re looking for solutions that actually serve the specific needs in your community. You want families to have access to quality childcare, and you want to address the labor shortage. I have ideas for how we could work together to create some solutions.”
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Nonpolarizing Approach:
How to quickly focus on what’s productive or a possible win or bridge, and tune out what is counter productive, extraneous or polarizing: reduce what you hear into feelings, needs and values.
Stay away from the polarizing sentences in italics.
Emphasize the bridge-building sentences that are underlined.
Church & Country
“I think that in general the government closest to the people should be the ones deciding. Sometimes they need a push from the state level. But that should be the exception. Our experience is that there have been liberal communities that tend to do things that a super-majority conservative legislature preempts. Religious freedom, gun control. COVID broke a lot of trust with giving local communities a lot of autonomy. Constituents were screaming, please help us. They are making me wear a mask and get a vaccine.” — State representative, male, 55, rural
Your Translation of Key Words and Ideas to Needs and Values:
Trust: need and value
Autonomy: need and value
Possible Bridge-Building Reply:
“I hear you — local government understands what its people want, and your community values and needs autonomy. Sometimes the state stepping in can be helpful — and sometimes it’s not. I want to find ways we can work together to rebuild trust and provide what’s best for local communities.”
Economic Influenced
"(Local control) depends on the issue. And levels of expertise. I wouldn’t want my local government, even if it’s a big city, making decisions on what drugs are appropriate for me to take. I want the (State) Dept. of Health doing that. On the other hand, I want them to make decisions on what water line goes where, sewer lines, doing traffic studies. Things like that." — State senator, male, 61, rural/suburban
Your Translation of Key Words and Ideas to Needs and Values:
Expertise: need and value
Decision-making: value
Choice: value
Freedom: possible value
Possible Bridge-Building Reply:
“Yes, you value having the ability to decide what levels of expertise are needed in any given situation and having the freedom to make choices based on that. How do you see that coming into play with xyz issue right now?”
Legacy Republican
"Local control is good but sometimes the locals supersede the state. I’m a huge local control person — but I have to answer to my friends and neighbors back home. It’s when things are done that energize the base — when the city makes decisions that go against constituents’ voices. Guess whose phone rings?" — State representative, male, 54, rural/suburban
Your Translation of Key Words and Ideas to Needs and Values:
Accountability: need, possibly also a value
Understanding: possible need or a value
Respect: possible need or value
Integrity: possible need or value
Inclusion: possible need or a value
Possible Bridge-Building Reply:
(In this case you’ll have to guess into everything except accountability — and their response will help you identify their values and needs more.)
“You like local control, but need to be accountable to the city as well as your constituents, and I understand that answering to diverse sets of needs and values must be challenging sometimes. How do you see that coming into play with xyz issue right now?”
Populist-Aligned:
“Generally, I do like local control when it is something that people can vote on — the city council is up for election every two years. But when it comes into conflict with State law, I have an issue. If it’s new or an expansion of a service that they want to test out with their local dollars, sure, have at it.” — State representative, male, 25, rural
Your Translation of Key Words and Ideas to Needs and Values:
Accountability: value and need
Responsibility: value
Prudence: possible value
Possible Bridge-Building Reply:
“I hear you saying that accountability is needed on both the local and state level. On the local level, you want people to take fiscal responsibility for services they vote in. You value being prudent and testing local services with local dollars. Is that right?”
Step 3: Role-Play Together — Trying It Yourself
What you’ll need: Someone to practice with.
Based on the archetype you are meeting with, pick a new quote they might say. Alternately, create your own quote that you’re worried may upset you or freeze you up, something you could actually encounter in your advocacy work. Have someone “play” the decision-maker who might say that thing to you.
Before anything, try to experience the potential exchange from the decision-maker’s perspective. Then practice translating the quote to values and needs in your head, then checking this understanding with your role play partner. Ask what they feel when hearing your reply. Keep trying it out until your partner feels good about what they hear you say.
The places where you get stuck are your homework; write down the part that made you feel stuck and then practice writing replies to it until you come up with something effective.
Trust that you will have access to this new language next time you need it. The more you practice role-plays, the easier it will be to translate strategies and criticism into feelings, needs and values. You only need to keep your radar tuned to pick up one or two feelings, needs or values and guess into those until you get at least one right. This is the starting place for real trust and understanding.
Once you can do that, you’ll be more relaxed during high stakes or difficult conversations because you won’t take criticism personally and you’ll see where to build bridges in the conversation. Until people can understand where they’re each coming from on a feeling/needs/values level, there is not enough understanding and solidarity to fuel a robust collaboration. All decisions are made based on feelings, needs and values.